[A man approaches a microphone. He looks at the audience. Go.]
-This isn’t where it starts, but I guess it’ll do.
-When I was your age, I was seven.
-Poof, you’re a sandwich.
-You’re a sandwich.
-Trains are the coolest thing ever. The second coolest thing are rocks.
-Choo Choo.
-The name game goes like this. Blank blank bo blank banana fanna fo flank. Me my mo-oh mlank. Blank.
-I’m glad we had this talk.
-I’ve known your mother since before you were born.
-Rocks Rocks.
-You take after your mother’s side. Your sister takes after her front.
-There once was a girl from New Delhi
Who asked Mom for raspberry jelly.
For the very first time
Cause she usually ate lime
Which probably explains why she didn’t like it very much.
-Every choice I ever made I made for you.
-Pull my finger.
-Wait for it.
-Wait for it.
-[A single bouncy ball is bounces across the stage.]
-Wait
-Hello god, it’s me. Yes, I’ll hold.
-Wait for it.
-Uphill both ways.
-Poof you’re a sandwich.
-Chuck chuck bo buck banana fanna fo —- wanna ride bikes?
-She told me we had a choice to make. I told her I had a train to catch.
-Every choice I made I made for you.
-Choo choo!
-When I was a kid I did things I’d be embarrassed to admit to my kid.
-I thought Sadie Hawkins was a dance where you had to go with a girl named Sadie Hawkins.
-Happy birthday to Everything. . .
-Sadie and I dated for three months.
-I find it disturbing how often people abbreviate the word “education.”
-The following is a list of names I do not recommend inserting into the name game:
Chuck
Alice
Marty
Mag
Methusellah
Mitch
Hunt
Rick
Boutris Boutris Galli
Brigette
Larry
Your own
-This is the sound of a grown man talking.
-[An actual train whistle.]
-I’m glad we could have this talk.
-Children have always frightened me.
-She told me to get over it.
-She said she came from Jupiter. I looked it up on a map. It’s in Colorado.
-The monsters in my closet were just misunderstood.
-Poof.
-It was the monsters under the bed that had me worried.
-You may choose one or the other, but not both.
-Every choice I made I made for you.
-Every choice I made I chose you.
-I made you.
-I chose you.
-I chugga
-I choo choo.
-Elementary ed. Phys ed. Co-ed. Special ed.
-Choo Choose!
-I often wet the bed, but just to kill the monsters.
-Boys have a penis and girls have a choo choo.
-The funny thing is I wasn’t trying to be funny.
-There once was a boy who got married.
-Poof.
-She told me to get over it.
-I don’t care what anyone says, I will never subject my child to this. [Puts on a clown nose.]
-I’ll give you something to cry about.
-[Takes off the clown nose.] I’m serious now.
-No matter what your mother tells you, Willy Wonka kills those children.
-Wait for it.
-I always thought I’d be better at this.
-Better better bed wetter banana fanna go get her.
-I got in trouble for laughing at this sentence. “Augustus was sucked up the chocolate tube.”
-The funny thing is I wasn’t trying to be funny.
-Sucked sucked bo bucked banana fanna.
-Both ways in the snow.
-Ask your mother
-I don’t know.
-Every choice I made I chose you every choice I made I chose you every choice I made I chose you.
-You You!
-Chugga chugga! Chugga Chugga!
-Poof, I made a sandwich.
-Poof I made a monster.
-Poof I made a person.
-CHOO CHOO!!!!!! [As a bunch of bouncy balls fall from the sky.]
-Your mother and I have something to tell you.
-Pull my finger.
-Wait for it. Wait for it.
-Wait.
[He makes a fart noise into the microphone. A kid laughs. The end.]
Philip Dawkins is a Chicago playwright and educator. His play, Yes To Everything! was performed this year at the Side Project (cut to the Quick) as well as NY, CA, DC and all around the country. Last year, his play Perfect premiered at the Side Project under the direction of Stephen Cone. Other Chicago credits: You Gonna Eat That? (HealthWorks), Ugly Baby (Chicago Vanguard/Strawdog Theatre Company), A Still Life in Color (T.U.T.A. Company), Saguaro (Estrogen Fest, Chicago; Estrogenius Festival, NY; 16th Street Theatre, Berwyn, IL, Painted Filly, Ireland.). Philip’s writing has been published in The Stranger and his play, Edgar and Ellen: Bad Seeds (Northlight Theatre) will be published by Playscripts International this spring. Philip is currently writing an opera trilogy with his writing partner Eric C. Reda. He is the ARTS Program Director at Pegasus Players, and teaches playwriting in public schools through Chicago Dramatists. He also teaches Kung Fu to little, tiny, Chicago children. Hi-YAH!